Tony Blair Announces New British Space Programme

London, England

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British Prime Minister Tony Blair today renewed his support for an independent British presence in space, despite the funding difficulties which have dogged the programme to date.

“Look, I know that the British Space Programme has had its critics, and sure, some people might wonder why we’re trying to do our own thing at all, but you have to look at the facts. Britain still produces 78% of the world’s whiskery eccentrics. Show me any slightly barmy bloke with excessive facial hair and a screwdriver in his jacket pocket, and I will show you a Brit. And frankly, all this talk about giving up on space and focusing on things we actually do well, and can afford, it’s just defeatist. Nutters need something to aim for, just like the rest of us”.

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A British rocket designer expresses his warm regard for Mr Blair

Prime Minister Blair was speaking at a conference to announce the latest British design – a spaceship which is intended to carry British astronauts to Mars and back.

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“Sure, the design needs some work, but that’s what the eccentrics are good at. And in 2005 at last we have the, you know, dental standards which the world demands from its astronauts. In 1969, when American astronauts were conquering the moon, British dental hygiene was seen as a fatal flaw. You just couldn’t have let any of our boys loose at a press conference. But we’ve moved on. You know, when I see the photos of our boys in Iraq, senselessly gunned down or blown up for no good reason at all, and I see those gleaming white teeth, I think : we’ve made it. British boys are damn near as photogenic as the Americans.

“Of course, much remains to be done. British corpses, I mean astronauts, can’t just look good. They also need technology which can compete with the best in the world. American. Japanese. Russian. Well, we won’t manage that. Don't be ridiculous. But I am confident that with renewed government support we can take on the Samoans. And the Easter Islanders. We are going to put the great back into Britain and the Union Jack somewhere near the surface of Mars.