Great News! UK to Catch Up in Gambling Race

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An exhausted but beaming Tessa Jowell greeted reporters today with the news that Britain’s first Super Casino is to open next year in Manchester. “When I became Culture Minister , I was determined to make a difference. To promote British culture. To halt the slide into intellectualism which has threatened this nation’s prosperity all too often in the past.

“Britain is blighted by the mistakes of previous generations. Newton. Shakespeare. Elgar. Leading our young people astray. Every year, literally thousands of young people buy books. I saw somebody reading a Penguin Classic outside my house last week. This has to stop!

“Nobody asked this government to build a super-casino. Oh no. This initiative was entirely our own work. Most people were droning on about Iraq, or the economy – rubbish like that. But we knew that bread and circuses are what the people want. More Pop Idol, more Big Brother. Nobody asked Nero hard questions, and why? Because he built amphitheatres, and filled them with lions and Christians. That’s what the new super casino is all about – harmless entertainment.

“Our duty as a government is to siphon people’s money off, and spend it wisely. And a casino is the biggest siphon of them all. Okay, most of the money will find its way into the pockets of mafia chiefs, but that doesn’t matter, because the Government will still get a load of new taxes, which we can spend helping people.

“I feel really proud today. And I can’t wait for the new super brothels to open up”