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For decades, British teeth have been admired throughout the civilised world. Shallower nations have frittered away their wealth on expensive dental treatments and even (whisper it!) oral hygiene, but Brits have resisted the appeal of vanity to keep their teeth as nature intended – slightly yellow and slowly decaying.
“British people don’t want dentists – that’s for Americans and other mildly homosexual types” said Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt. “We Brits like to keep our teeth in a glass next to the bed. That’s why I’m happy to say that 2 million Brits simply can’t access an NHS dentist. And the new rules make it even harder – now we’re telling dentists they should jolly well go off on holiday when they’ve used up all their allocations, and stop pissing about with their drills and funny mirrors on sticks. Prats”
Some critics have suggested that a compulsory insurance scheme, which can only be accessed by a percentage of the people paying, might be considered unfair, but Ms Hewitt is having none of it. “What’s unfair is that some dentists want to carry on working even after the money for their town has been used up. So what if Mrs Jones needs a filling? Tell her to piss off, I say, and stop wasting everybody’s time. Give me another year in office and all the dentists will be on holiday, and British teeth can revert to their natural state.”
Spike Milligan speaks from beyond the grave (as usual)
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