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Home Office doorman John Reid today called on the Dunkirk Spirit to help ease the overcrowding in Britain’s jails.
“Despite all our best efforts – releasing foreign criminals, cutting sentences by 50% automatically, taking a further 33% off if they admit their guilt, endless cautions, even encouraging the police to piss about so they don’t catch too many – despite all this excellent work, the prisons are still full to bursting.
“The solution is obvious – we need the British people to give up their spare bedrooms. The Home Office will pay £30 per week to any citizen willing to house an offender in their home.
Mr Reid likened the situation to Dunkirk, in which the ill-fated British Expeditionary Force was ferried back to Britain by a flotilla of private boats.
“I got the idea when I fell asleep in front of the telly”, said Mr Reid. “I hadn’t been drinking, not really, just a wee dram or two. Anyway, I had this vision of all the households in Britain housing criminals, all in black and white, with little white-haird old ladies bringing the criminals a nice cup of tea. I think the criminal in my dream was probably Alistair Sim, although you can never really be sure with dreams. Next minute he might turn into Paul Merton or somebody. Weird”
Critics have gently suggested that a more effective alternative approach might be to build sufficient prisons, a suggestion described by Mr Reid as "naive".
Opposition leader David Cameron was too busy hugging trees to comment.
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